This is the time when I have to ponder how my life has been so far. I don’t think that depression is knocking at my door right now but I also don’t think that there is something to smile and be happy about especially with these circumstances I’m in. So how would I rate my goddam existence here on earth? For 36 years of residing on this planet, I honestly think that I haven’t live my life the way I have planned it to be. Well oftentimes, that’s just always the case, right? You wanted to have a happy, meaningful and successful life but in the end, you start to realize that you are not meant to have that. And you start to wonder, was the failure really your own doing or you were just meant to fail? Or worst, was it both?
I usually cry every time I am bothered with problems which I always thought I could never handle. Call me a pessimist. I wouldn’t really mind. I know from the deepest corners of my heart that there is truth to that and that’s where depression usually penetrates my whole being. But I have learned to control my tears already. Not perfectly though but at least I could already command them not to fall so easily. Maybe I have just learned to accept what reality is. The fact that a downfall is a part of life, the fact that you could do stupid things sometimes (or even oftentimes) and the fact that there are things you were not meant to have. Maybe those were the real reasons why it seems easy for me to bounce back. I’m so used to be bullied by dilemmas and trials of life but I think I am learning to have a bad attitude towards these vermins. Why not bully them back? Why not get even with them? Why would I allow myself get drowned in a pool of misery just because of these downfalls I am having? Why didn’t I opt to hit the ‘fight back’ button? In other words, why not be a monster then? A monster which these miseries created in the first place. That’s fair enough.
Don’t you think?
